clouds. and mama. and happy.


Dear Mama,

It was unexpected, the waiting and the clouds.  I ventured out to pick up Joseph and his family at the airport after a visit to Kelsey’s family.  I arrived early…won’t you get a kick out of that!  “Early” and the name “Kane” aren’t words usually associated with one another.  But I digress.

I pulled into park and wait.  It wasn’t my best day as far as pain control goes, and I wasn’t up to reading, so I just listened to gentle LDS music.  On one of those few occasions in the middle of the distractions of life, I looked up at the sky while I waited for the text that would end the quiet and send me to the pick up lane.  Did you know that the sky is really beautiful?  Funny I’d forgotten that.  But today.  Well.  It was really beautiful.  The clouds were big fluffy pillows against the sky that looked bluer to me, as if the happy thoughts of you were bringing some of the color back into my eyes.  I stared at the sky.  Just stared at it.  And there you were in my thoughts.  There in the still, and the quiet… where you always creep in to my little girl heart.

Sadness didn’t come today.

Melancholy is what came instead.  Thoughts of you in those clouds.  Watching over the family you loved more than life.  Your mother heart is a deep ocean of feelings.  I know this because I have one.  And I imagine that in spite of your busyness in your new home, you have a hard time staying away from us.  I imagine you check on us often.  Of course you do.  And here you were.  With me again in the morning, if only for a moment in my thoughts of you in the clouds.  I wonder how it works, you and the moving around and finding us in all the different places where we live.  I wonder if you’re playing the organ, like you were doing just before you were called to your new home.  I wonder if you’re teaching, or singing, or picking flowers…

…if you are, you must be picking daisies.  

picking daisies

Mostly I imagine you smiling.  I can’t help but feel your happiness.  Happiness that is so consuming, it spills out all around you, touching everything you think about.  I wonder what time is like for you there.  Because here it seems like you’ve been gone forever.  I wonder who you are with, if you are finding friends long lost in mortality.  I wonder what it must be like to be with your own mama that you haven’t seen since you were four, and spent your life hiding the missing her.  I wonder what it’s like to be with your dad, who, if I understand it correctly, you were the apple of his eye.  I wonder a lot of strange things that don’t really matter at all, but I’m fascinated by weird details like that.

Before I left for the airport, much earlier in the morning, I’d woken up with the pain that wouldn’t let me get back to sleep.  So I went down to the kitchen to get my ice, and make my piece of toast and tea.  I found myself standing in front of the kitchen sink, looking out the two windows that form the corner there.  It was still dark out.  I looked across the valley to as far as I could see, and suddenly thought of all the mornings you did exactly the same thing when you and papa lived with us for a year while you served your mission in SLC.  You would stand there, eating your toast with honey and cinnamon, looking out into the darkness that was just beginning to fade.  There was a traffic light you used to stand there and watch.  It was far away in the distance, buried in the sea of lights on the valley floor, but you’d stand there every morning and find it.  And watch it change.  I found myself searching franticly for it, as if it was suddenly a connection with you that I desperately needed.  I found myself wishing I had one your nightgowns on, if only to feel you closer and smell the sweet scent of my mama on them.  I found the light.  And I stood there, just like you, watching it change and eating my toast.  Silly huh?  The strange little memories that float in at the strange little moments, but memories and moments that connect and heal, there in the still and the quiet.  Always in the still and the quiet.

Mornings with you are my favorite.

Mountain-Morning-Light-long goodbye

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