Yesterday… and Tomorrow… and Forever…

Picture taken by our Becca in the Utah mountains... my wishy washy world

Picture taken by our Becca in the Utah mountains… my wishy washy water color world…

Dear mama, there are three things heavy on my broken heart tonight…

Yesterday is the one year anniversary of the last time I heard your voice.  You called each one of your children, just to check up.  You had never done that before, called us all on the same day to see how we were doing.  Did you know?  Somehow?  That you would be leaving?  Your voice.  The voice that is fading fast to the place deep and away.  Where it will stay.  At least for a while.  I will occasionally be successful at tugging it forward with my desperate attempt to quiet the missing you, and other times lose my breath at how quickly it appears unannounced.  I remember thinking how happy you sounded when you called that day.  The happiest I had heard you for as long as I could remember, and I tried to put my finger on it.  Somewhere along the way I realized it must have been your comment to me that I was your last call, and that all the other kids were doing well as you had spoken with each of them.  All of your children, doing well at least for that day, safe in the mother heart that longed to have them all close around you again.  I was glad of that.  The happy conversations that closed the door to now, that quieted, at least for a moment, your anxieties about each of us for various reasons.  And maybe that’s why you could leave when you did.  It must have given you a kind of peace.  A peace that you needed.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the day you left to there.  One year.  We’ve survived all the firsts, eh?  They say it’s the hardest year of the missing you.  Maybe they are right but I don’t believe them.  Because right now I don’t see just how it will ever get better.  And I know you are in a better place, and you are with your own mother again, and I know you are happy, and I know you don’t want us to be sad.  And we are happy, each of us in our lives.  But today please forgive me if my world is all upside down again, and the colors are all wrong again, and I don’t know quite when this ship will right itself.  But I am secure in the knowledge that it will, and the happy that is spilling out of you will spill onto me and I will get my footing, and the blue sky will not be gray, and the wishy washy greens will look like trees and grass again.  But today it’s all wrong.  And it has to be okay for now.

Because forever is what comes next with you and then everything that feels all wrong will all be right again.  And I still wish I could spend the night with you, just one night with my mama and no pain.  But for all the things I don’t know about spirit living, there is one thing I do know for sure, and it’s that there is no coming back from there.  I also know that

this is not our home.

We are not mortals having spiritual experiences.  We are spirits having a mortal experience.  Eventually we all go to there, the place where you are.  Beautiful you.  Young and happy.  And then we will spill happy all over our children who are left behind here, trying to make sense of all the upside down-ness of sudden departures and a wishy washy world.  And maybe they will come to the place in between, to read of my grief, and my love, and my finding you here.  And they’ll find me here waiting.

But just now, today, my heart is broken all over again.  And I have to allow it to weep.  Because there is no going around grief.  And I will hold dear the yesterdays, and tomorrows, and forevers because you are in them all.  And the missing you will always be there, but so will the happy, spilling out on top of us all like a waterfall of love and smiles.  Even in the wishy washy colors of an upside down world.

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